The Toxicity of Competitive Communication Styles

Imagine a workplace where conversations feel like battles. One person dominates the discussion, another sidesteps accountability, and subtle (sometimes not-so-subtle) manipulation keeps everyone else walking on eggshells. It’s exhausting, unproductive, and all too common. These communication styles—competitive, win-lose, and gaslighting—have crept into our workplaces, our homes, and our culture. It’s time to confront these destructive patterns and reclaim the collaborative spirit that drives trust, progress, connection, and collaboration.

What’s Wrong with Competitive Communication?

Competitive communication turns conversations into contests. In-lieu of seeking mutual understanding or shared success, the focus shifts to "winning"—dominating the discussion, proving a point, or asserting control. This approach disrupts not only the immediate conversation but also the larger goals at play, undermining task outcomes, relationship growth, and individual identities within the team.

On a broader cultural scale, competitive communication fosters environments where empathy and collaboration are devalued. It normalizes adversarial dynamics, where individuals prioritize personal gain over collective progress. Over time, this erodes societal trust, perpetuates cycles of conflict, and diminishes our capacity to solve complex problems effectively.  

Key Signs of Competitive Communication:

• Frequent interruptions to dominate the conversation, sidelining others’ contributions and task alignment.

• Prioritizing being right over being effective, damaging trust and collaboration.

• Ignoring or dismissing others’ perspectives, which invalidates their identity, damages relationships, and creates emotional disconnects.

Why It’s Harmful:

• Breaks Trust: When people feel unheard or dismissed, identity goals are shattered, and trust erodes.

• Stifles Innovation: A win-lose mindset discourages collaboration and diverse perspectives, leaving task goals unmet.

• Promotes Fear: Team members become hesitant to contribute, fearing judgment or retaliation, which ultimately damages relationship goals and long-term cohesion.

When competitive communication dominates, it derails the delicate balance of addressing task, identity, and relationship goals—a cornerstone of effective and collaborative conversations.

Gaslighting: The Ultimate Manipulation

Gaslighting is a particularly insidious communication style that distorts reality, leaving others questioning their experiences and perceptions. It’s a form of psychological manipulation that undermines confidence and creates toxic power dynamics and crippling cultural norms.

Key Signs of Gaslighting:

• Denying facts or past events to invalidate someone else’s perspective.

• Shifting blame to avoid accountability.

• Using subtle insults or patronizing comments disguised as “help.”

Why It’s Harmful:

• Erodes Self-Confidence: Victims begin to doubt their own judgment and abilities.

• Destroys Team Cohesion: Manipulation breeds resentment and mistrust.

• Amplifies Toxic Power Dynamics: It creates an environment of control rather than collaboration.

A Better Way: Collaborative Communication

The antidote to these harmful styles is simple yet transformative: collaborative communication. Unlike competitive or gaslighting tactics, collaborative communication prioritizes mutual understanding, shared goals, and respect.

What Collaborative Communication Looks Like:

• Listening to Understand: Instead of interrupting, focus on truly hearing the other person.

• Sharing Power: Conversations become shared spaces where all voices matter.

• Seeking Win-Win Outcomes: Emphasize solutions that benefit everyone involved.

Actionable Steps to Shift the Culture:

Individual Practice:

1. Pause Before Responding: In your next conversation, resist the urge to interrupt. Take a breath and let the speaker finish.

2. Acknowledge Others: Practice validating someone else’s perspective, even if you don’t agree.

3. Reflect on Your Intentions: Before engaging in a discussion, ask yourself: “Am I trying to connect or control?”

Team Challenge:

1. Call Out the Style, Not the Person: Encourage team members to identify and name communication styles when they occur. For example, “This conversation feels like it’s leaning toward competition—how can we refocus on collaboration?”

2. Set Ground Rules for Meetings: Create agreements such as “One person speaks at a time” and “Critique ideas, not people.”

3. Foster Psychological Safety: Build an environment where people feel safe to express themselves without fear of manipulation or dismissal.

The Cost of Doing Nothing

If left unchecked, competitive and gaslighting communication styles will continue to poison relationships and hinder progress. Teams will struggle to innovate, trust will remain fractured, and individuals will burn out under the weight of toxic dynamics. The price of these destructive patterns is too high for any organization—or society—to bear.

Let’s Choose Better

It’s time to challenge the status quo. By recognizing and rejecting competitive and manipulative communication, we can build a culture rooted in trust, empathy, and shared success. Collaborative communication isn’t just the antidote to toxicity—it’s the foundation for a better way forward.